The Shade Tree of Marriage

by Paula Friedrichsen
Published October 1, 2008

Marriage Enrichment Series - 10 of 12

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade. (Song of Solomon 2:3)

My husband is a “shade tree” for me, but it wasn’t always so. I used to think I could do everything on my own and that I didn’t really need him. I didn’t want to open myself up to the potential disappointment of desperately needing another person. So, for the first couple of years of our marriage I held myself aloof emotionally, believing that Jesus was all I needed in this life and that I shouldn’t put my trust in a mere mortal. Little did I know that I was missing out on one of the greatest blessings that God can give a married woman.

The “Heat” of Self Sufficiency

It had started out as a normal flu bug, but due to a nasty relapse I ended up spending over a month on the couch trying to recuperate. And because I was resting so much during the day, I was unable to sleep at night. The doctor prescribed a sleeping pill called Halcion. Grateful, I began taking it right away. This took care of the insomnia, but I remember feeling quite strange during the time I was on that prescription.

My mother informed me soon thereafter that Halcion was a very strong drug, and she suggested I stop taking it so as not to form a dependence on sleeping pills. I had no idea that going off Halcion would create such drama in my life.

After throwing away the remainder of the prescription, I didn’t sleep for three nights straight. I don’t mean that I didn’t get much sleep, or that I was restless. I mean that I did not close my eyes for one minute during those three nights. I sat on the couch curled up in a tight little ball, scared out of my wits. My mind played tricks on me, and my fear in that room was palpable. I became convinced that I would never sleep again—and in my paranoid state nothing could convince me otherwise. My stomach churned, I developed strange ticks, and I lost weight rapidly.

I didn’t know at the time that other people had reported similar problems with this drug. (In a Newsweek magazine article, some people even claimed to experience amnesia and psychotic episodes.) I just thought I was going crazy!

I found myself desperately seeking comfort—and that’s when I turned to Jeff. I stopped trying to handle my problem alone and told him about my deep fears and despondency. Of course he had been aware of the situation, but he had no idea just how bad it had become.

He became my shelter. He became my “shade tree.” His strong assurance and loving presence kept me sane during that time. When he discovered that I couldn’t sleep, he offered to keep me company by sleeping in the living room, on the pullout couch, with me.

This jolted me from the mind-bending, tormenting insomnia. I no longer felt alone. I savor the sweet memory of Jeff, our son Andrew, and me all snuggled up on the pullout couch together, watching Anne of Green Gables for the first time. I took such comfort in the strength of my husband during those dark days.

Jeff called me often from work and took tender care of me while I recuperated. He reminded me of God’s love for me. And while I will always be thankful that Jeff rose to the occasion when I needed him most, I have to remember that it was born of my vulnerability. My need and deep distress drove me into the arms of my husband, and I am grateful. Grateful to God for allowing such a horrendous trial, and grateful to Jeff for rising to the occasion when I needed him most!

Becoming vulnerable and trusting your husband may be very difficult for you. Maybe you were hurt as a child or young adult, and you find it hard to trust.

Trusting is hard for everyone. For the most part, we’ve all been hurt and betrayed at some point in our lives. Don’t let excuses rob you of this most intimate treasure of marriage. Trusting is a choice, and with God’s help, you can open your heart to your husband’s love in a deeper and more profound way.

I feel certain that most husbands would willingly meet their wives’ needs if they were given the chance. Unfortunately, we often dismissively convey the sentiment that “we’re fine, thanks.”

But we’re not fine. We were created to deeply need our husbands (and they were created likewise), and we are guilty of holding our men at arm’s length.

In this crazy, sometimes frightening world, I encourage you to trust your husband. Pray that God will make him worthy of that trust, then take a leap of faith—and give him a chance to rise to the occasion.

Adapted from The Man You’ve Always Wanted is the One You Already Have © 2006 by Paula Friedrichsen. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without prior written consent.

Paula Friedrichsen is a conference speaker and the author of "The Man You Always Wanted is The One You Already Have" (Multnomah 2007). She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California.
© 2009 Paula Friedrichsen - All rights reserved.
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