Self Pity: Friend or Foe?

Marriage Enrichment Series - 9 of 12

Marriage can be tough sometimes. Many of us got married with the expectation that our whole lives were going to change for the better—only to find that things didn’t turn out exactly as we planned. When that happens it’s easy to get stuck in self pity. Yet, the truth is, every day we spend feeling sorry for ourselves is a wasted day…a day we can’t get back. A day we could have spent loving those around us, and being loved in return.

Self-pity can easily worm its way into our lives and develop a stronghold in our minds. Because of its deceptive nature self-pity must be recognized and dealt with before the damage can be done.

When my friend Susan got married her expectations were high. Tyler was the man of her dreams, and she was thoroughly convinced he was going to make her a very happy woman. The first few years were good—that is until Tyler lost his job. The months that followed were anxious ones; Job applications…. job interviews… more applications… more interviews… Susan and Tyler argued constantly and exchanged angry words and accusations often. Eventually they were forced to sell their lovely home and move to a neighboring city where Tyler was able to secure a job making less than half of his previous income. Gone were the expensive vacations, gone were the luxury cars, and gone was the club membership.

Susan tells of struggling with self pity during that time in her life. She says the most surprising thing was just how “comforting” self pity could be.

When we go through difficult marital circumstances self-pity arrives camouflaged as a comrade and ally. It beckons with the promise of comfort, as a pillow beckons after a hard day’s work. “You poor thing” it soothes, “Nobody knows how truly hard you have it, and nobody realizes how hard you’ve tried to make this marriage work. You deserve better. You didn’t sign up for this. You simply cannot take this much disappointment. You should move on.”

Self-pity takes you on a journey, reminding you of all the disappointment and hurt you’ve experienced at the hands of your mate. When you feel sorry for yourself and mentally rehash all the ways your mate has failed you, your molehill of suffering invariably becomes a mountain.

With God’s help, Susan eventually began to discern that self-pity was not a comforting friend, but a vicious enemy. She had to retrain her heart and mind to resist the oppressive thoughts, and to think kind thoughts about Tyler and about their financial situation. She forced herself to reprioritize and refocus her attention on what she and her husband did have. First and foremost, they had each other. They had a loving extended family and a roof over their head. Their financial crisis taught them to relish each day and to enjoy the little things more. And most importantly, Susan learned that when things got strained between her and Tyler, she needed to keep her guard up against self pity.

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Paula Friedrichsen is a conference speaker and the author of "The Man You Always Wanted is The One You Already Have" (Multnomah 2007). She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California.
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This column is used with permission.