If You're Too Busy to Make Love, You're Too Busy

by Paula Friedrichsen
Published July 29, 2008

Marriage Enrichment Series - 8 of 12

Jodie is usually awake before dawn. She can be found most mornings putting in a three-mile workout before the family stirs. After her thirty-minute jog, a quick look at her watch indicates that she better get upstairs quickly to wake up her sleepy kids, hop in the shower, and get dressed for work. Then she’ll make breakfast…pack lunches…feed the animals…get the kids out the door (don’t you dare miss that bus again!)…kiss her husband Mark good-bye…quickly zip through Starbucks, and arrive at work just in time for the sales meeting. Whew! She’s out of breath and anxious—and the day has hardly begun!

Her day continues like so many others in a long line of overscheduled days: work, lunch with friends, the afternoon ladies’ Bible study, a quick stop at the market, driving the kids to soccer practice, ballet practice, and a birthday party. Bring the groceries home and put them away…more cooking…more dishes…off to her book club meeting. Home from book club…get the kids to bed (why is it these kids never get to bed on time?)…start some laundry (the piles never recede!)…check e-mail…check voice mail. Set the alarm clock…set the coffeemaker timer…get out clothes for tomorrow. One last load of laundry in the washer…put the cat out…BED! Ahhhhh, bed! The comfy haven of rest and relaxation. Curling up under her squishy down comforter in her soft flannel jammies, she’s ready to fall into blissful slumber.

That is, until her husband Mark reaches for her. “Oh Mark, you can’t be serious! You don’t know the day I’ve had.”

Sure, he knows the day Jodie had. It’s the same day she always has—overly busy and overscheduled.

Deciding What’s Really Important

An overstressed life will undoubtedly siphon the sexual enjoyment right out of our marriages. When we get too busy, our priorities become obscured and the things that are not really very important start taking precedence over the things that are truly important.

So, what’s truly important? Our marriages. They should be a priority in our lives—and not just in “theory,” like when Jodie brags to her girlfriends at book club, “Mark is such a great husband, so wonderful…so successful…so good with the kids. I am so lucky to have him!” But a true priority in her life, as in actually showing Mark how she feels about him by loving him in a tangible way later that evening.

Busyness is a trap that is extremely common in our culture. We are always on the run… on the phone… on the laptop… on the PDA… Self importance has gripped our society, and we’ve bought into the idea that we’re indispensable, and that our friends and business associates can’t possibly survive if we’re out of cell phone range. Busyness and over-scheduling have become badges of honor that signify a person’s importance in this world. But in actuality, we are not indispensable to anyone except our own families.

Schedule in Lovemaking

We all go through difficult stages in our lives when things are especially hectic: raising small children, working full-time, or the stress of taking care of aging parents. Because of this, you may feel too tired at night to really enjoy lovemaking. There are several solutions to this dilemma:

• Invite your spouse to meet you at home during your lunch hour and skip lunch (it’s a great way to burn calories too!).
• Ask a friend to take your kids for an hour in the early evening while you’re still fresh, and have some time alone then.
• Install a lock on your bedroom door so that you can make love earlier in the evening, right after you put the children to bed (nothing spoils the mood quicker then a kid barging in your bedroom unannounced).

The point is not the when, where, and how of lovemaking, but rather that you carve out time for it no matter what’s going on in your life.

If lately you’ve been feeling stressed out, unappreciated, and disconnected from your mate, I encourage you to slow down. Remove those things in your schedule that are not absolutely necessary and prioritize your life so that there is time to be your spouses’ friend, parenting partner, encourager, and most importantly, lover.

Adapted from The Man You’ve Always Wanted is the One You Already Have © 2006 by Paula Friedrichsen. Used by permission of WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without prior written consent.

Paula Friedrichsen is a conference speaker and the author of "The Man You Always Wanted is The One You Already Have" (Multnomah 2007). She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California.
© 2008 Paula Friedrichsen - All rights reserved.
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This column is used with permission.