How To Forgive a Friend

by Brian Bill
Published February 13, 2008

Peter was always counting things. I think he liked math. The Bible says that one day he went fishing and caught 153 big ones – I’m sure he counted each one.

Do you know what? If you were to take your Bible and count the number of times he messed up, you’d discover that he needed forgiveness on at least 7 different occasions.

One day Peter came up to Jesus and asked him a question, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? (Matthew 18:21). I find his question a bit amusing. Here's Peter, the one who needed personal forgiveness on at least 7 different occasions himself, being concerned about how many times he had to forgive someone else.

We've all asked this question at one time or another. "How many times do I have to forgive this guy? I'm getting tired of it. Why does he keep hurting me like he does?" Peter may have been thinking of a time when somebody wronged him and he had extended forgiveness. But, this same person did something to hurt him the next day. Again, Peter forgave him. A couple days later, his friend lied to him. This time, Peter reluctantly forgave him but now he's ticked off. Peter wanted Jesus to help him set some forgiveness limits. Peter wanted to know when it's OK to say, "That's it. You've messed up one too many times!"

Before Jesus could answer, Peter responded to his own question by suggesting that seven times would be a good limit. That's not a bad answer. The teachers back then taught that you had to forgive someone three times and then you could retaliate. Peter doubled that and added one for good measure. I think he thought his answer would impress Jesus.

To be honest, forgiving someone seven times is pretty good. Most of us get frustrated if we have to forgive someone twice. By human standards, what Peter said was admirable and perhaps even extravagant. But Peter wanted a number, a limit, a place where he could finally say, "That's it -- you're not getting away with this any longer. Our friendship is now over."

As Jesus often does, his answer to Peter was unexpected and disarming. Take a look at verse 22: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." (18:22) The crash you hear is Peter hitting the ground in a dead faint. He couldn't believe his ears! Seventy times seven? He got out his pocket calculator [ HOLD UP CALCULATOR ] and punched in the numbers. That's 490 times! Jesus is saying, "Peter, you've got it all wrong. You don't count the number of times you forgive someone. Forgiveness is unlimited."

Jesus isn't suggesting that we count the number of times we forgive someone -- 298, 299, 300 -- only 190 to go! Not at all. Seventy times seven means there is no limit to the number of times we are to forgive someone. Actually, if you were to count, by the time you reach 490, you would be in the habit of continual and unlimited forgiveness. That's precisely the point Jesus is making -- you don't keep score when it comes to forgiveness.

When We Need Forgiveness

Since the truth of forgiveness without limits is hard for us to grasp, Jesus told a story to help illustrate what He meant. In the first half of the story, Jesus deals with those of us who need forgiveness. Here he gives us some practical help for those times when we've wronged someone and stand in need of their forgiveness.

In the second half, He targets those of us who need to forgive others. We’ll find some practical help for those times when someone has wronged us -- when they're in need of our forgiveness.

"Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him 10,000 talents was brought to him." (18:23-24)

Here's the picture. The king in the land decided to call in all his debts. He sent out his collection agents and they came back with a man who owed the king a considerable chunk of change. His CPA's figure that he owed the equivalent of about $25 million. We're not sure exactly how he ran up this kind of debt but it's clear that he would never be able to repay the king. Since he couldn't pay the debt, verse 25 says that, "the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt." (18:25) The king knew he could never recoup all his losses -- he just wanted to get back whatever he could.

At this point, the servant did what most of us would have done. He fell on his knees and said, "Be patient with me, and I will pay back everything." Even though he could never pay it back, he's now desperate. He can't stand the thought of his family being sold because of the debt he ran up.

The king was moved. The Bible says that he was filled with compassion. And, he does something the man doesn't even ask for. The king not only releases him, he also forgives the debt. He wipes the slate clean, erases the books, cancels the debt. Now the man owes him nothing.

This is exactly what forgiveness is all about. To forgive is to cancel the debt. When we've wronged someone, and they choose to forgive us, they are in essence saying, "I cancel the debt. The slate has been wiped clean. You don't owe me anything -- I release you from ever having to pay me back."

Perhaps you've done something to someone but you've never asked for forgiveness. Maybe you know that you've offended your friend but you haven't owned up for it. Let me give you three action steps if you're in need of forgiveness.

1 - Face Your Friend. The first step you need to take if you're the guilty party is to meet with your friend face-to-face. In another passage, Jesus put it this way, "If your brother has something against you...go and be reconciled to your brother" (Matthew 5:24). Is there someone you need to "go" to this week? If they’re back in the States, then maybe you need to make a phone call. If so, do it -- face your friend.

2 - Own The Wrong. The second step, after you've faced your friend, is to own the wrong that has been done. There's a phrase I use when I play basketball that I think is applicable here. When I lose the ball out of bounds or miss a shot, (which happens frequently), I often point to myself and say, "My bad." It's my way of saying to my teammates that it's no one else's fault. I messed up. Friends, when we mess up in our relationships, Jesus wants us to own the wrong, to say, "My bad." It's not enough to just acknowledge a mistake -- we need to own it.

3 - Ask For Release. After facing your friend and owning the wrong, the next step is to ask for release. I suggest that you actually say the words, "Please forgive me." If your friend says something like, "It's no big deal, don't worry about it," you might want to say, "I appreciate that, but I need to have your forgiveness. Do you forgive me?" It's really important to be released from the debt.

When We Need To Forgive Others

Let's go back to the story. As this humbled man walked away with this wonderful gift of forgiveness, he ran into a friend who owed him some money. It wasn't a lot of money. In comparison to the $25 million that he had owed the king, it was about $10. Maybe his friend had borrowed the money to take his family out to McDonald's and hadn't paid it back yet. Instead of canceling his friend's debt, verse 28 says that he grabbed him and began to choke him saying, "Pay back what you owe me!"

His friend fell to his knees and asked for some time. In fact, his plea was almost identical to the other man's when he was before the king: "Be patient with me, and I will pay you back." But, there's one big difference. Instead of forgiving the debt out of gratitude for his own canceled debt, "he went off and had the man thrown in prison until he could pay the debt."

Let me pause here in the story to make an application. We're a lot like this man when we don't forgive others. We enjoy putting people in prison if they've wronged us. We want them to suffer, to hurt as bad as they hurt us. We might use the silent treatment or we may simply avoid them. Or, if we're really ticked off, we'll imprison them with our verbal assaults. In any case, we want those who hurt us to pay for it.

Are you holding someone hostage right now? Are you trying to make them feel miserable? Are you determined to punish a friend or family member for something that he or she said to you? If that describes you, let's pick up the story again to see what happens.

This man made a critical mistake. He threw his friend in prison in broad daylight. Someone saw it happen and reported it to the king. Word got around and soon everyone was talking about it. It wasn't the fact that the man would not forgive his friend that shocked them. It was that he was so unforgiving after having found such mercy himself.

The king is really mad now. He sends his soldiers to bring the man before him. Notice verse 32: "You wicked servant. I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? In anger his master turned him over to the torturers until he paid back all he owed." This guy had a $25 million debt forgiven. Shouldn't he have done the same for someone who owed him 10 lousy bucks?

Hidden Torturers

Let me say this strongly. What happened to that man will happen to each one of us unless we learn to forgive and forgive and forgive. The torturers will come and take us away if we don't extend forgiveness to those who have wronged us. What torturers, you ask? The hidden torturers of anger and bitterness that eat your insides out. The torturers of frustration and malice that give you ulcers, high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and lower back pain. The hidden torturers that make you lie awake at night stewing over every wrong that someone has done to you. The torturers of an unforgiving heart who stalk you day and night, who never leave your side, who suck every bit of joy out of your life. Why? Because you will not forgive from your heart.

Here's the rub. While we often try to imprison those who hurt us, the reverse actually happens. When we don't forgive we end up being tortured. Do you know where the worst prison is in the entire world? It's the prison of an unforgiving heart. If we nurture feelings of bitterness we are little better than inmates of an internal concentration camp. We lock ourselves in a lonely isolation chamber, where we are tortured incessantly, walled in by our own refusal to forgive. Have you ever noticed that some of the most miserable people in the world are those who are unwilling to forgive others?

The Bible says that when we wrong someone, we are to go to them and meet face to face. Not surprisingly, the Bible is also clear on what to do when someone has wronged us. Earlier in this same chapter, Jesus put it this way: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." (18:15) If someone has wronged you, you have the responsibility to go to them and work it out.

You're covered either way. If you've messed up and hurt someone, Jesus says to you, "Go, and face your friend, own the wrong, and ask for release." If someone has wronged you, instead of making them pay, or throwing them in prison, Jesus says to you, "Go and face your friend, point out the wrong, and then release them from it."

To forgive is a process of giving up. That's exactly what the word forgiveness means -- it means "to give" to someone by releasing them from debt. It's like saying, "You did something that really hurt me. But I care enough about you to meet face-to-face. And now, I release you from all obligation to ever pay me back. I forgive you completely." When we cancel the debt, we give up demands for perfect behavior, perfect justice, and perfect retribution. When we extend forgiveness, we begin to experience the truth that we are both fallible humans in need of being forgiven.

Friends, we're a lot like the unforgiving man in the story that Jesus told. We stand before a holy God with our sins piled up higher than a mountain. Our sins are like a $25 million debt that we can never repay. And yet, out of compassion for our moral predicament, and His intense love for us, God sent His Son Jesus to pay off our spiritual debts.

Application

Where are you today? Do you need to ask someone for forgiveness? Have you wronged a friend or family member? If so, determine to face your friend, own the wrong, and ask for release.

Do you need to give someone the gift of forgiveness? Are you tired of living with the venom of an unforgiving spirit? Are your grudges structuring your total outlook on life? If so, cancel that debt today. Restore your friendship.

Do you need Divine forgiveness? Have you ever come face to face with God, owned your sin, and then asked Him for release? You need to do it, if you haven’t already done so -- forgiveness is our deepest need and God's highest achievement. Once you experience God's forgiveness, you'll be better equipped to forgive others.

Ernest Hemingway loved to write about the country of Spain. In his short story, The Capital of the World, Hemingway tells of a father and son who had stopped talking to one another. Things got so bad that the son left home. After several years, the father wanted to mend the relationship and so he looked everywhere for his son. When he came to the capital city of Madrid, he decided to go to the newspaper office and take out a big ad in the newspaper that said this: "Paco, please meet me at 12 noon tomorrow in front of the newspaper office -- all is forgiven. I love you, Father."

The next day at 12 noon, there were 800 men named Paco standing in front of the building! I suspect we have some Paco's here this morning in need of forgiveness. We also have some who need to give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Please bow your head for a few seconds. Let’s take some time to do a Forgiveness Inventory. Don't leave without making a decision that can radically change your life -- and the quality of your friendships.

Do you need to ask forgiveness from someone? Can you think of someone right now? Is there someone you’ve wronged and you haven’t owned up for it?

Do you need to extend forgiveness to a friend? Have you been nursing a grudge? Are you giving someone the silent treatment?

Do you need to admit your sins to a holy God and receive His forgiveness? If you haven’t done so, now is the right time.

Viewed 853 times